I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
it was like eating out sand paper
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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