All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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