She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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