I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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