The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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