there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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