I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize