it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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