my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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