The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
