His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
