If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants