my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
