Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.