Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
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The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she pinky promised me she was 18
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
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You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.