does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm sobbing to NWA
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating