I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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