Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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