Im at strip club and am horny
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
This house was built for laser tag.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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