so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
