Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
