If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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