I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
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I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
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WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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