I looked at my own cervix.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
