just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
