I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
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