I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my shit smells like andre
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
