You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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