hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
