This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
