Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
love makes seman taste better
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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