Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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