anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just blew my weed a kiss
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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