Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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