Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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