Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
