My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
