so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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