i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
