im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
