i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
