what day is it and did you see me today?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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