im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
