You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
