Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
