You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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