the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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