Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
