my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
