I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
