you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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