It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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