I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He shit in the fireplace
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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