Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
