you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
