I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
