my phone needs a breathalizer
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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