Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
