At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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